Monday, January 23, 2012

Old Journal Love

Last week, while nursing a wine hangover on a Sunday, I made the terrible choice to watch back -to- back episodes of Hoarders. Don't judge. Train-wreck television has it's advantages. One of which is the overwhelming desire to go down into your basement and immediately discard several boxes worth of paper that you are holding onto for no reason whatsoever. Very cleansing.

While I was wading through the morass, I stumbled upon several old journals that I kept while in university. It was a wince-fest, interweb. A rabbit hole of angst. They were so full of melancholy and over-wrought emotion that, at one point, I wondered why I hadn't burned them in a cleansing fire. But then I got to this entry and then I realized why I had held onto them all of these years. Never mind that I made the shocking realization that all I have ever done is make lists (!) but every once in a while I would write something so pointless that it brought me to tears.

So, for your reading enjoyment, I have chosen a plumb entry for you to howl at. I haven't posted a date because I want you to believe that this was waaaaaay in my past. Also: Don't feel bad for thinking less of me here. It really is a living, breathing Adele song well before it's time, y'all.

God I need a boyfriend! How long can I go on like this!! Do want reasons, journal? I'll give you a few:

  • I have some tough jars that need opening. I'm doing THAT by myself.
  • I need someone to make laugh when I've smoked a joint. I'm watching Roseanne instead.
  • I don't understand why listening to Lionel Ritchie "Hello" is annoying to my neighbour. I boy might have pointed that out sooner.
  • I want to tell someone about watching a dog eating concrete when I was thirteen but none of my girlfriends seemed to be interested. Maybe a boy would?
  • Hearing "I can't even imaging the TYPE of guy you're going to end up with....." is compromising some of my more fragile female relationships. Some of my male one's, too, come to think of it.
  • I went out with a guy who makes sculptures out of stale bread. For more than a week.
  • I spent a half-hour listening to a physicist friend of a friend explain the term "gravitational pull" to me - a term I understood! - just so that I could stare at at this cute beauty mark he had just under his eye.

Too much. By the way, I married the guy described in the last entry. It was between him and the bread sculptor. I think I made the right choice.

Thanks journal!

Thursday, January 12, 2012

I'm Hungry.

Froot Loops pops by thedecoratedcookie
Froot Loops pops, a photo by thedecoratedcookie on Flickr.
I have never been a big candy-eater but this year, I decided that I would cut it out of my diet entirely. The result? I can't stop thinking about it. So, as a therapeutic exercise I decided to write down all of the candy I have been thinking about with the hope that setting them to paper would banish them from my mind. That's when I started to notice a strange pattern. Here's a list of foods that you can put in your mouth by simply sticking out your tongue:

  • Popcorn
  • Nerds
  • Pop Rocks
  • Cheerios
  • Cheetos
  • Most dry cereals, actually
  • Pirate booty
  • Pixie sticks
  • Fun Dip
  • Hershey' Kisses
  • Raisinettes
  • Smarties
  • Cotton Candy
  • M & M's
  • Sprinkles
  • Pretzels
  • Chocolate shavings
  • Pringles
  • Peanuts
  • Ice cream
  • Sour Patch Kids
  • Sunflower seeds
  • The crumbs at the bottom of the chip bag
Honorable mention: Cheese (cubed only).

Crazy right?

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

My Top 5 - Book Edition

Last year, instead of making meaningful connections with humans, I stayed home and read 44 books. Actually, I didn't just read at home. I read at the cottage, in the chairs of various medical practitioners, on trains, planes and automobiles and once while running with a friend. The last one didn't turn out so well, as you might well have imagined. Many of the tomes have been good, some were excellent, some pure shite but all were well worth the time. Here is my list of the top five. (N.B. The first entry counts for 3)

The Hunger Games Trilogy Boxset

If you're ever looking for a book that will completely snatch your life away from you for a week or so, might I suggest this young-adult series by Suzanne Collins? The Hunger Games books are about a future dystopian society of 12 districts in the remains of what we know as North America. Ruled with an iron fist by the evil Capitol, their trademark form of oppression is a twisted reality TV show called “the Hunger Games” in which 24 children called tributes must fight to the death each year. The story begins when a girl called Katniss who is forced to fight in these games- a cross between the Roman gladiator games and Survivor - and ultimately winds up the reluctant figurehead of the rebellion that overthrows the tyranny of the Capitol. Sounds simple, right? Oh, if only......

This is not a book for the faint of heart. Or the literal-minded. Like in George Orwell's 1984 (another dystopian book my mind kept turning to as I plowed forward), the state perverted the language in order to deprive the populace of any means of dissent. In the case of The Hunger Games, the Capitol has focused on a fundamental aspect of human nature -in this case, it's the idea that children need to be protected - in order to keep it in line. Forcing children to kill one another, turning innocent children into murderers for the entertainment of others, is corrupt beyond imagining but what makes the difficult subject readable (and relatable) is how successfully Collins paints the canvas. For a YA writer, she doesn't pander to her YA audience but rather reflects back the ickiest aspects that are happening right now in the stormy psyche of our culture. Manipulating our bodies for the pleasure of others? Check. Changing the rules of the game before we're half-way through? Check. Forcing people to believe a regime stands for one thing while doing the other? Check. Author Suzanne Collins has created a fun-house mirror that at it best makes us question those aspects of our own culture we need to take a closer look at. And that she does all this without using vampires and werewolves? Genius.



The characters in Bullfighting are all male and in the midst of things: midway through life, midway up the social ladder, midway through raising their kids. Like their children, they are at a difficult age. But what sets them apart, is their vantage point. The characters in these stories may feel their hearts murmur and their joints creak, but they still have a lot of living to do.

In his newest collection of stories, Irish writer and Booker-winner Roddy Doyle characters move from classrooms to crematoriums, local pubs to bullrings and within the first few sentences make you feel as though you are eavesdropping on each of their forbidden thoughts and fears. In "Recuperation," a man sets off for a prescribed walk around his neighbourhood, the sights triggering memories and recollections of his wife, his children, his younger days. In another, "Animals", George remembers caring for his children's many pets, his efforts to spare them grief when they die or disappear, looking, in the eyes of his wife, like a hero, like "your man from ER." It is something when a story can make you laugh and cry within the span of a paragraph and Doyle does this brilliantly and with almost little effort. When was the last time you read a book about middle-age that made you wish you could stay in that place? Until Bullfighting, the desire would have seemed ludicrous. But an afternoon wading into this collection is a compelling argument for visiting a place you always thought you should avoid. Who knew the male, middle-aged mind could be such a great place to hang out?


Dear Tina Fey-

For all of your efforts to depict yourself in your brilliant book, Bossypants as “a little tiny person with nothing to worry about running in circles, worried out of her mind,” you have failed utterly. You cannot fool me. In fact, to be fair, you're fooling know one. You are funny, self-deprecating, wickedly observant and, by far, the smartest person in the room. Need I remind you to refer to the title of this opus?

In this crazy, jumbled memoir-esque collection of riffs, essays, laundry lists, true stories, fantasy scenarios, SNL script excerpts, and embarrassing photos from the wilderness years , you have managed the literary equivalent of a satisfying night of sketch comedy. From your dorky years in Upper Darby, Pa., to the long days and nights on SNL, from Liz Lemon to your turn as Sarah Palin, there isn't a moment where I didn't wish that you were someone with I could call up when life got ridiculous.

While you make jokes at your own expense, you manage to reveal and maintain an inviolable sense of privacy which is no small feat. I love your list of beauty secrets. I love your comparative charts on the experiences of being “very very skinny” and “a little 
 bit fat.” I plan to steal your imaginary response to a rude Internet commenter: “First let me say how inspiring it is that you have learned to use a computer.” I don't wonder how you juggle it all. I don't wanna know. Just keep it coming. And stay bossy. That's the way we like you.

Sincerely,

Laura

Thursday, December 22, 2011

When in Doubt: Make a List

RADIOLAB: Laughter by Nick Iluzada
RADIOLAB: Laughter, a photo by Nick Iluzada on Flickr.

It’s nearly the time of year when we all make brave/bold/ambitious New Year's resolutions. I tend not to because I never see them through so I’m making a different type of list this year. This is my 1st annual Things I'm Glad I Learned this Year Which I'll Hopefully Remember Next Year list. I hope it catches on.

  • The best reading is re-reading.
  • Renovating is great in theory. Shitty in practice.
  • You can get sick of eating ribs.
  • Turning the computer on and off a few times often fixes the problem.
  • It's important to be kind to everyone. Especially to those who you know don't feel the same.
  • If you're not failing, you're not living. Or trying hard enough.
  • Bad meals will put you in a foul mood and should, therefore, be avoided.
  • Bad movies can be enlightening.
  • Happiness is a choice.
  • Bacon makes everything better.
  • Kids are smarter than you think.
  • Nothing feels better than waking up next to someone who you know loves you.
  • Swimming naked is better than with a bathing suit.
  • Kids can be jerks, too.
  • Sleeping in a hammock is very satisfying.
  • A chipmunk landing in your hammock while sleeping? Not so much.
  • Making someone laugh is The. Best.

Anything to add?

Thursday, December 8, 2011

What's That Ringing in my Ears? Oh, It's the Sounds of Christmas!!!


Last week, I was in the city doing a little bit of shopping when the clerk at my favourite cheese shop - who's amp, by the way, is always at 11 on the "I love my Job" meter- told me that the reason she was looking and feeling a little depressed was due to the fact that she was dreading the weekend. Why I asked? Did you have a horrible task to attend to? A funeral to attend? A children's Christmas concert, perhaps? No she told me and then leaned in conspiratorially so that no one but I could hear. "This is the weekend we will be turning on the Xmas music". Ah, I said with a knowing nod of my head. I then doubled my order and told her I wouldn't see her until after the New Year when they would go back to playing whatever music they slap on that makes me buy more Boursin than any human should reasonably eat.

Every year, millions of people head out to gather gifts their family will tire of in a fortnight and find themselves needlessly exposed to Christmas music. Would it surprise you to know that when U.S. soldiers at Abu Grahib wanted to break the will of their Iraqi prisoners they chose "All I Want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth"? I'm not because every time I hear the less-than-dulcet tones of Bruce Springsteen warning me that Santa Claus is coming to town, I want to put Amnesty International on speed dial.

I should come clean: I don't hate Christmas. I like the idea of universal fellow feeling. I’ve made my peace with consumerism. Plus; I enjoy getting presents. What I don't like, however, is having music I despise shoved down my throat every time I step into a Shopper's Drug Mart to buy feminine products. Here are a few things I would rather hear than Christmas music:

  • a jackhammer
  • a cat in heat
  • a mosquito in my ear
  • anything by Keasha
  • fingers on a chalkboard
  • an old school computer modem
  • a colicky baby
  • Ben Stein
  • Nancy Grace
  • a drunken karaoke singing "Don't Stop Believing"

And while we're on the subject, why does every second song have to be a question? Do They know it's Xmas? What Child is This? What Time is Santa Coming to Drop off the Bootie? I might have made the last one up.

ANYWAY.

Here is the point (and it's more a desperate plea at this point) : for every Xmas song played, throw in a favourite song of that year. Wonderful Xmas, by Wings followed by Halocene by Bon Iver, for instance. All I Want for Christmas is You by Mariah Carey followed by Helena Beat by Foster the People. You feel me? For every mallet hit of Xmas cheer, a lovely ear worm. It would make the season brighter.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Food Rules

Illustrated edition of Food Rules, now available

I have a bit of a confession: I am a bit of a routine queen. I like my universe to be in a certain order and will often go to great lengths and pain - to myself AND others - to ensure that it remain so. I can't sleep without making my bed first, for instance, and haven't slept in an unmade bed since Nixon resigned. For my entire primary school career, I packed the same lunch - peanut butter and jam sandwich, juice in a thermos, cookies and a piece of fruit - and ate in the exact same order every day. With no deviation. Ever. Sick, right? Monk has nothing on my ass.


The problem with being a slave to routine and ritual, of course, is that it doesn't lend itself to a life with a ton of spontaneity which, of late, I've come to see as a bit of a character flaw. So, over the summer, one of my personal objectives was to change things up a little. I let things sort themselves out with little in the way of "personal interference", if you will, and, instead, ran my life on the path it naturally set for itself as opposed to cleaving to the grand plan I mapped out in my head. I didn't get in my own way, as they say in therapy speak.


Guess what I learned? Going with the flow: it sucks, y'all! I am a bag of toys without a consistent schedule. Meals, daily grooming and exercise, childrearing, none of these things get done with any consistency - Hell, at all!- if I don't set them to a time of day. It made my nerves so bad not to know what I was doing on a daily basis that I almost had a nervous breakdown a few times. I was like Jeremy Renner's character in The Hurt Locker, trapped in a world that expects me to make decisions in the cereal aisle of life when all I really know is wearing a helmet that looks like a giant fishbowl and defusing the same bomb over and over and over again. So I dialled it back, reverted to my old ways and made a little promise to myself that I would change it up occasionally but not as a rule, as my poor, regimented system couldn't handle the strain. Baby steps, right?

Which is why I love the new book by Michael Pollan, Food Rules: An Eater's Manual. Was this book made for me or what? Firstly, it is festooned with illustration by my God, Maira Kalman, the greatest illustrator on the planet. And it's a book. With rules. About food. I really doesn't get any better, non? Here are just a few of the wisdoms you'll find therein:
  • Do all of your eating a table
  • Don't become a short order cook
  • Enjoy drinks that have been caffeinated by nature, not science.
  • The whiter the bread, the sooner you'll be dead.
  • Don't get your fuel from the same place your car does.
May I recommend that this book appear in every one's stocking?



Friday, November 4, 2011

Long Live the Turtle (Neck)!


In our home, the change of season is marked NOT by the turning back of the clock but by my switch from t-shirt to turtleneck. It is a sad day when this happens for it means that the cold is about to set in and we will, for six months at least, be subjected to soup for dinner at least once a week and complaints from both young and old alike that we can't find our other mitten. Sigh.

Though turtlenecks have long been associated with arty intellectuals, turkeyneck-hiding old ladies and sexless Christmas sweaters, I have always loved and worn them. Actually, I always thought that my love for the turtleneck came from a compliment I received once in my twenties. I was at a party at a friend's apartment in Montreal and flirting heavily with a young gentleman with whom I shared an existential philosophy course, a course, I should say, that I signed up for - foolishly! - and should have gotten out of waaaay before I did, but waited past the due date before realizing that my brain couldn't handle it. I turned, instead, to the wearing of the turtleneck as a solution to my problem. Dress like an intellectual, feel like an intellectual. Clever, right? Wrong. Ever the fraud, I remember secretly wishing that my bus would get t-boned on the way to my final exam. 

But I digress.

The object of my affection was looking at me attentively while I blathered on about one thing or another until he interrupted with this: You look like Audrey Hepburn in your turtleneck, did you know that? I was speechless. I know that for certain woman, Audrey Hepburn is an icon of beauty and fashion.  Her petite frame and gamine haircut have been copied by hundreds of starlets and co-eds, with varying degrees of success. In fact, a few months before the compliment was uttered, there had been an Audrey Hepburn festival at the revival cinema a few blocks from my apartment. Posters of her likeness were still plastered everywhere, her wide eyes and big mouth assaulting me from the sides of abandoned buildings and enveloping me in the shelter as I waited for the bus. She was a beautiful woman, there is no doubt. But to a 5 foot 10 inch black lady?  There really is no weirder compliment.


I turned to my complimenter and simply shook my head.  Yeah, I said with a pause. You're reaching. And, I added, you've probably had enough to drink, I think. He stood staring, bleary eyed before getting up from his perch on the arm of a couch and puking into a nearby plant.  I guess that's why, for me, turtlenecks have to be about something besides a movie star.  And as an added bonus:  I can  only conjure the image of a ponytailed man vomiting every time I see a movie still from Breakfast at Tiffany's.  Some images simply endure forever.


I think Audrey would agree.....